The Commish Online                                                                                
What if Rich Garces were Adam Eaton?
March 26, 2002

Just like the rest of the people in this world, major league baseball is not without its strange names.  For example, have you ever noticed the players whose names are actually sentences?  The young Cubs pitcher who enjoys cookies and milk is named Courtney Duncan.  Don't forget about the pitcher who cuts down trees in the offseason known as Kevin Millwood.  It must be a pitcher thing, because you might call another hurler who likes to start things on fire A.J. Burnett.  As for Ben Sheets, well, he has problems of his own.

Continuing with the pitcher's names, you've got Buddy Groom, Gary Knotts, and Mike Fetters.  Perhaps the best of all is the answer to "what's Adam doing?"  Adam Eaton, of course.  It's a good thing Rich Garces doesn't share Adam's name - sportswriters would get hand cramps typing all of the obvious headlines.

The "sentence name" doesn't end with baseball, however.  We don't want to overlook such celebrities as Norman Fell, George Wendt, Tom Waits, George Burns, George Will, Tyra Banks, and of course, Britney Spears (thanks to a recent "Ed" episode for the celebrity names).

- Is there a more annoying market campaign running today than UPS referring to itself as "Brown?"  Brown can do this.  Brown can do that.  You know what - white is changing the channel and using FedEx.

- How many times are we (myself included) going to fall for the "Oscars are a big deal" thing?  Every year millions watch and every year millions say "oh, I haven't seen that movie" or "I saw that and it sucked!"  To top it off, even J. Lo looked bad this year.  Four and a half hours and NOTHING HAPPENS.  Like a World Cup soccer match.

- The NCAA college basketball tournament would be even more exciting if they posted the game time gambling lines next to the score.  In the second half the over/under could be shown so that even a 20 point rout would be worth watching.

- Dick Vitale should stop talking.  Now.

- White is done with this column.  White hopes you enjoyed it.