The Commish Online                                                                                
Paying for Poop
July 17, 2002

While taking a walk in the neighborhood the other day, something struck my olfactory sense and, let me tell you, it smelled worse than an old factory.  For some reason, people with a lot of money actually pay landscapers to dump manure in their yard.  Manure, people!  I don't care how much it helps the soil; my shrubs just don't need to look that good.  I'll stick with good old non-smelling dirt, the kind you're not afraid to step in.

Think about it - people pay for poop!  They have expensive houses with expensive lawns and expensive decks, sunrooms, etc., and then they just dump on it.  Just imagine:

"Hey honey, would you like to eat out on the deck tonight?  It's a beautiful evening." 

"No, sugar, we can't because the lawn service came today and everything smells like s**t outside.  Maybe we can go out there in about 2 weeks."

"Those bastards!  I'll sue the pants off them!"

"Oh no, sugar, I TOLD them to pour manure all over our yard.  This way we can admire our pretty flowers and bushes from inside with the windows closed."

"Oh... um, ok...."

Is there any other scenario where you would sacrifice your nose just for a little more quality?  I can't imagine one.

"Hey, I got a guy coming over to clean our windows tomorrow.  The stuff he uses is AMAZING!  Nothing works better.  Of course, our house will smell like s**t for a while, but hey, clean windows!"  I don't think so.

"Hey, I bought this great new vacuum cleaner.  Nothing works better.  I just cleaned out the inside of my car and it looks great.  Of course, it smells like s**t, but it sure is clean!"  Not a chance.

"I bought this new blacktop sealer which only needs to be done once and is guaranteed for life.  Nothing works better.  Of course, there's a serious amount of manure in the mix, but quality is quality, right?"  You get the point. 

The next time you see someone willingly pouring poop in their yard, first, slap them upside the head and say, "What's wrong with you?!"  Then, tell them I have a dog that produces the stuff daily that I am willing to rent by the hour.  Until then, happy gardening.