Harvest Time for Tickets
October 20, 2005
I'm annoyed by things, but if you read Foul Territory, you already know that. The Chicago White Sox are on their way to the World Series for the first time since 1959. What does that mean for Chicago newspapers? Myriad stories about the cost of tickets and the lengths people will go to get them. Unfortunately, the story often becomes bigger than the truth, and the columnists overlook this as they write a story including such tidbits about a guy offering his kidney for a pair of Sox tickets. For the whole article, check out the Chicago Tribune from October 19. The article is written by Brendan McCarthy, Tonya, Maxwell, and James Janega. I'm not sure if they alternated words, did a Mad Libs approach, or if Brendan wrote, Tonya typed, and James spellchecked, but the article can be read here until it gets archived.
Certainly, the kidney offerer must be joking and the writer uses this as a way to get a good headline ("The Golden Tickets...One man if offering his kidney for a pair"). While headlines like this are often tongue-in-cheek (or in this case, kidney-in-cavity), the problem is that the public starts reciting them as fact. Just because a guy posts a memo about organ bartering doesn't make it true, the same way Steve Scalper trying to sell a pair of tickets on StubHub for $20,000 doesn't actually make them WORTH 20 grand until someone actually pays for them.
Back to the kidney trader, according to the Tribune article, "One posting at Craigslist.org offered a healthy kidney--you choose left or right--for 'two Sox tickets in the outfield!'" Mysteriously, the posting can no longer be found, so either it was made up for the purpose of the story or the poster was forced to take it down. Using the assumption that Brendan, Tonya, and James would not resort to such underhanded methods as making up a post or posting absurdities themselves for the purpose of an intriguing column, the man (or woman, but I'm assuming a man because we don't value our organs as much) removed the post himself, after he got his 15 minutes of fame. The solution to this madness? Call his bluff.
If you own a pair of White Sox tickets for the World Series, I hereby declare it your duty to put an end to the absurd stories by calling Kidney Man's bluff. Contact craigslist.org, get this guy's information, and DEMAND his kidney for your tickets. He offered - you should accept. It's the only way to put an end to the nonsense. Harvest his right kidney, simply because Kidney Man stated "you choose." Set up an appointment at the hospital, find a worthy candidate, and use this guy's kidney. In fact, show up at Kidney Man's house with the doctor, a scalpel, and the pair of tickets. Somehow I don't think he's going to enjoy the game as much as anticipated, but an offer's an offer!
So what's in it for you? The opportunity to help someone in need while putting an end to the antics of those who think they have more wit than Dennis Miller. If you want to live in a world where people get acknowledged by the nation for being mildly clever and sophomoric for 10 seconds, then keep your tickets and let Kidney Man revel in his glory. If you demand more of your media and your peers, then find Kidney Man, hand him your tickets, and start harvesting! Memories of the game are nothing compared to helping another individual. The couple grand you would make off the tickets will be long gone, while the fuzzy feelings you'll get from helping a person in need will last forever. Don't you want to be forever fuzzy?
It's October and people are offering their kidneys for tickets. Not only is it harvest time (in both senses of the word), but with the World Series of Poker playing on ESPN almost every night, it's also time to call someone's bluff. Find Kidney Man and make him show his hand.