The Commish Online                                                                                
Short Attention Span Theatre
December 4, 2003
by William K. Wolfrum

Welcome to the first edition of Short Attention Span Theatre. We here at “Off the Rim” or whatever they call our column nowadays have put in countless hours getting this concept ready, and hope all of you are excited about it as we are at The Commish headquarters.
We also reiterate to our critics, that SASP (as we like to call it) is by no means an effort for the author of this column to avoid any tough research and blow off steam on subjects he has minor, non-thought-out opinions on. That would be really unprofessional now, wouldn’t it?
So here we go.

Blazers Unload Bonzi
This only leads to the question: When do Rasheed and Stoudamire go? The Blazers got a middle-of-the-pack No. 1 pick from the Grizzlies, but if West was willing to part with it for a ‘tude problem like Wells, the draft must be pretty thin. Nonetheless, it was a good move by Portland. Expect more.

Carmelo vs. LeBron
I think it’s already safe to say that Detroit screwed the pooch on draft day. Maybe Darko will average 25 points and 10 rebounds a game next year, but this year he may hit those numbers as his yearly total. Anthony can seriously play. LeBron is still the man, however. Move him to point forward, get in his head and tell him to go aggressively to the hole and try playing defense. That’s what made MJ the best, after all.
As for the hyped ‘Melo-LeBron matchup? These two won’t play each other in a meaningful game for a while, so it’s of no consequence. But Anthony gets points for helping to turn his team around.

OK, here’s a question: Who is the best small-fry in history? Earl Boykins, Muggsy Bogues or Spud Webb? E-mail me who you think is the best and I’ll send you a check for $0.53. It’s all the money that’s currently in my frame of vision. My vote goes to Boykins, based on scoring ability.

Orlando’s Woes
How in the heck did the Magic get so bad, so fast? 1-16? That’s only one more game then I’ve won so far this season. With McGrady, Howard, Lue, Gooden and Giricek, you’d figure they’d be playing .500 or slightly worse, but this is awful. It doesn’t give McGrady a lot of help when Hall-of-Fame voting comes around for him. This team has less chemistry then most inner-city high schools.

Lakers Dominating
How could the rest of the league allow the Lakers to get Payton and Malone? Right now, the Lakers are playing fantastic, no one’s complaining, and they’re blowing everyone out. Take away one rape charge and this is a dream season in LA.

Name a Jazzman
Utah is 10-6 without having one player an average fan can name. “The Rook” doesn’t even understand why they would call a team in Utah “The Jazz.” Maybe that Sloan guy is a good coach after all.

And, Finally
Why would anyone not named Phil Jackson want to coach an NBA team? This must be the most humiliating job in all of sports, ranking slightly behind Kentucky-Derby-Cleanup-Guy.  More than any other major sport, the NBA is chock full of egomaniacs who believe the ability to dunk a basketball puts them on a higher plane then everyone else. For a head coach, this is not a fun situation. When the players spit at you, curse at you and avoid you – during a televised game – you have to wonder what goes on in practice.
So to all you coaches not named Phil Jackson, you have my respect. Hopefully when you get fired you can get a cushy announcing gig, and then tell us all what you really think of some of these players.

William K. Wolfrum is a freelance writer in Southern California.  You can reach him at